Weng Weng Night
23rd Mar 07

One of the main reasons we continually do (and thoroughly enjoy) these Zombie Clubs is that we often get to stumble upon the world’s weird, wonderful and the bizarre. Tonight’s double-bill is certainly no exception. Meet Weng Weng - a 2 foot 9 inch high superspy from the Philippines.

Weng Weng first burst onto the midget spy scene in 1979 with For Y’Ur Height Only (watch the trailer at the bottom of the page if you want a sneak preview), a James Bond ‘spoof’ featuring Weng in the lead role as Agent 00. With his special gadgets, slick fighting skills, squeaky voice and his own great way with the ladies, Weng became a minor hit (sorry) and a sequel, The Impossible Kid followed three years later in 1982.

Unfortunately, Weng kind of disappeared after that, so tonight we honour our pint-size hero with a double-bill of his two greatest achievements. Ladies and gentlemen, we bring you Weng Weng - a man amongst giants.

Tonight’s Zombie Club was brought to you by Rawshark, two mini bottles of wine and a big bag of midget gems.

For Y'ur Height Only (1979)

Plot
With the evil Mr. Giant holding the world to hostage with a deadly N-bomb, it's left to 3ft tall superspy Agent 00 to save the day.

Rawshark
”Hel-lo” said Jim and Zomblee in unison the first second Weng Weng appeared on screen looking cool and collected tucked in tightly behind two normal size cops. It’s a fantastic entrance, but it just gets better as Weng then proceeds to ‘do his own stunts’ and leap off some small-ish rooftops (”Wow, he can jump and everything” - Jim), before jumping into a mid-air freeze frame shot that cuts into the credits. ”I just think this is brilliant already!” said Jim, ”I’m sold”.

Make no mistake, if you can buy into and enjoy the ridiculousness of it all, you will have an absolute blast with For Y’Ur Height Only. Sure, the plot is a bare-bone Bond rip-off, something about Weng teaming up with a girl to take on the mighty Mr Giant, who is holding the world to ransom with Dr Von Kohler’s doomsday machine, the N-bomb, but it’s not the plot you’re here for. Oh no. It’s the many, many moments of disbelief that make you wonder how this movie ever got made.

Watch as Weng engages in swordplay! Swoon as Weng beds chicks twice his height! Be amazed as Weng leaps from a hotel balcony using an umbrella as a parachute! Cheer whenever Weng executes his trademark move – the gun shoot slide across the floor! Laugh out loud as Weng randomly flies through the air during most fights - ”Oh come on, someone just threw him then. I don’t believe that was self-propelled” - Zomblee!

For Y’Ur Height Only is a cult classic masterpiece with moments of pure brilliance (jet-pac!) and endlessly quotable lines (”Now here is Hidden Island”). And to think, I haven’t even mentioned the end fight sequence or any of his special super secret spy gadgets…

”Your main control is in your little ring”.

Zomblee
Ohhh...those gadgets. Right, Weng's equivalent of 'M' furnishes the little man with a plethora of gizmos. To name a few: a two-way communication necklace (that flashes on and off), x-ray glasses (which he tries out instantly on M's Moneypennies), and a special ring with operates his flying hat (can this get any better?!). As if being a tiny secret agent isn't good enough, he also gets all these amazing gadgets to use when he's not bashing full-size men repeatedly across the face. He's a vicious little bugger when he wants to be.

Like Rawshark says, once you've accepted the ridiculousness of the entire affair, it's just a matter of letting yourself go. Only then will you have a seriously good time with your little Weng on his quest to find Mr Giant who, as Rawshark pointed out, "could really be anyone". He uses his midget size well for his secret agent affairs, for example, he is able to hide just about anywhere. In fact, he hides without even trying to hide. How cool is that? He also gets to crawl through tiny weeny spaces that no-one else would dare attempt to get through, which is handy when you're trying to outrun hordes of tight-trouser wearing, moustached Filipino heavies. On one occasion he runs through a nice lady's top-floor hotel room, looks out the window, grabs an umbrella, stops to confidently kiss the lady on her bed, before jumping out the window, using the umbrella as his own little parachute. Shoot me dead now if that ain't entertainment.

"He's quite repulsive. Like a turnip..." was Jim's impression of the little man, and to be fair he's not much of a looker, especially with that Dario Argento-inspired haircut. But when you're done laughing at the wee guy, you can always shift your focus to the incredibly inept baddies, who churn out inspired lines like, "That's boyscout do-do!", or "I declare war against that little stinker!" But that little stinker is always one tiny step ahead, about to kick you in the balls with his little white shoes.

Perhaps the greatest moment of all though is when he is given the mini jetpack. Or perhaps the 'clash of the titans' fight when he battles against Mr Giant at the end. Christ Almighty, I don't think we've ever laughed as hard at Zombie Club. Thanks, Rawshark.

"So, this is how you communicate with your little Weng."

Jim
I have to admit I know have utmost respect for all things Weng. Rawshark had told me about Weng Weng before but, for some reason, it didn't really register exactly what he'd found. I mean, it sounds so too good to be true that I don't think I really believed it, until tonight of course. The second Weng jumped onto the screen my jaw hit the floor. I'd never seen anything like it in my life. Still haven't.

Like the boys said the opening is strong, with Weng high kicking into action straight away, saving a prostitute from getting shot while beating loads of normal sized blokes up in the process, prompting the obvious question from Rawshark, "Who would win in a fight between Mr No Legs and Double-O?" But before we had time to answer it was on to the amazing 'M' style gadgets sequence, where Weng gets a flying steel rimmed hat ("Is this guy in any way related to Harold 'Odd Job' Sakata?" - Zomblee) that's remote controlled by his ring ("Your main control is in your little ring?" - Rawshark) The ring also doubles as a poison detector (which is handy when one of the chicks tries to drug his cola) and he also gets a pair of x-ray specs that he nearly uses to look at the receptionists boobs. Damn those potted plants getting in the way!

Anyway, from then on it's midget kung-fu action city as Weng chop-sockies his way through umpteen bad guys in umpteen locations in the name of foiling Mr Giant's N-bomb take over the world plan. Although it boils down to this, the bad guys stand around for a bit planning what they're going to do next ("Those guys have all got moustaches.") then Weng turns up and kicks all their asses. And then I think they find a new base and he turns up and beats them all up again. It's all pretty hectic stuff cheerily helped along by the rip-off Bond music that prompted a sing-a-long from Zomblee ("Little Bond, Little Bond..."), while Rawshark eagle-eyed the odd bizarre costume change ("He's got an Elvis outfit on, hasn't he?" - Rawshark).

Oh, and then there's the sword fight sequence, the umbrella parachute, the jet pack sequence and his cool signature move, so really we're spoilt for choice ("Oh my God, he's doing the backwards floor slide again!" - Zomblee) Yeah, it really is that good. It was hard to make notes at times actually, because we really didn't want to miss any of it.

Everyone deserves a little bit of Weng in their lives and I too thank Rawshark for bringing him into mine. Cheers mate.

"I'm gonna wage war on that little stinker!"

The Impossible Kid (1982)

Plot
Now working for the Manila branch of Interpol, Agent 00 tackles Mr X, an arch villain with a white sock on his head.

Jim
So before we'd barely had time to refill our glasses, we were on to the second in tonight's Weng Weng double bill, The Impossible Kid. Weng's Double-O again, getting up to the same kind of Interpol spy midget stuff as before, mainly foiling the plans of loads of Philipino bad guys ("More guys with guns and unbuttoned shirts..." - Zomblee). There are a few changes this time, like ("his new hairstyle." - Rawshark) and ("He hasn't got a squeaky voice anymore!" - Zomblee), but we agreed that they were good things. Weng doesn't get any cool gadgets this time sadly, but he does get a cool projector room mission briefing, which pleased everyone, especially Zomblee - "...and this is O'Hara, Hann's personal bodyguard!"

So lets explain the mission this time. Well, basically Weng is assigned to protect the key members in some Philipino Industrialist group who are being threatened by a Ku Klux Klan type of organisation that sends messages through TV sets that self destruct after the message is played. After proving his credentials by beating up a few of the head Industrialist's bodyguards (they thought he was a kid, I ask you...) Weng leaps in to action, foiling attempt after attempt on the board members lives while also finding time to storm the odd bad guy’s HQ. There's also a fantastic dojo sequence that blew us all away ("He's like The Little Man From Hong Kong!" - Zomblee), a bit where Weng seduces a young lady ("That's small talk." - Rawshark), and a weird stand off with some henchmen that Zomblee swears blind involved a snake.

But to be honest with you, second movie syndrome was kicking in. We were having such a laugh with Weng's antics that the second movie just blurred into one midget fight sequence after another, so much so that we even started laughing at the hapless henchmen in the background who looked like they were struggling to keep up ("We're looking for the next scene," - Zomblee - "you were supposed to be in the next scene 10 fucking minutes ago!"). And what was all that about a disco ("...and what better way to relax?" - Rawshark). It's all a bit hazy.

I do remember the film picking up again though when Weng gets into a big car chase on his tiny but amazing looking motorbike, and our cries of disbelief when he actually jumped a river on it ("Right, I'm off..." - Zomblee). He still gets captured though, and that sets up the finale on a boat which lets Weng do his signature floor slide shooting manoeuvre, and get involved in some little man hiding in suitcase shenanigans, before jumping out and saving the day. He even then makes out with another young lady over the end credits, which is also a bit weird because you kind of don't know where to look.

But apart from that The Impossible Kid was as every bit as good as tonight's first movie, and this was a crackerjack Zombie Club double bill. Weng Weng, what a guy!

"You fit the description!"

Zomblee
What a guy indeed. Small in stature but high in standards. He gives his enemies a good kicking, always has time to charm the ladies and this time, he has a super-duper mini-motorbike which takes him from fight to fight. We loved his bike. Maybe that's because it gives him a more windswept hairstyle, an Argento blow-dry of sorts, but it's more likely to be because it moves really, really slow (with tiny wheels). Aw.

Where in tonight's first movie we are treated to a soundtrack stolen from James Bond, The Impossible Kid features some sort of unashamedly obvious plagarisation of Mancini's Pink Panther theme, which then seemlessly flows (unlike the editing) back into Bond territory. It's a curious mix to be sure ("Pink Bond?" - Rawshark), but it seems to work, and is as good a soundtrack as any to accompany the little Weng as he does his best to keep a low profile.

Sadly, we didn't get a 'lets supply Weng with loads of little gadgets' scene second time around so in all honesty, I don't rate this one as much as For Y’ur Height Only. His modestly-sized motorbike makes up for a dearth of gadgetry to a certain degree but you just can't top the jet-pack or the remote controlled flying hat. How could you? That said, the scene involving what could only be described as his motorbike 'flight' (this is no jump - his bike literally flies) across the gorge is nothing short of stunning ("Oh, just fuck OFF!" - Jim, in sheer disbelief). Come to think of it, the scene where he wards the heavies off with a huge pole, which he then uses to pole-vault himself right out of harms way before using it to negotiate a tightrope act between the buildings was quite impressive. Phew, I'm out of breath just typing that. Imagine how my little Weng felt.

"Just take your time. Keep a low profile."

Rawshark
”Here we go, straight back into it” said Jim in the opening minute of The Impossible Kid. ”He’s back, smaller than ever” said Zomblee, although to be fair he has got slightly better hair this time around (“It’s pushed back a bit, slightly more windswept” - Zomblee) and a much deeper voice which we kind of liked because it just felt even more ‘wrong’. Jim still thought he looked ”a little bit like a turtle” though, although to be fair it certainly didn’t seem to hamper his way with the ladies.

As well as the brilliant yellow Tiny Motor Bike (which caused peals of laughter every time it appeared on screen), The Impossible Kid also has a bit of nudity (”Those breasts are the size of his head!” - Zomblee) and possibly the best dojo fighting sequence of all time - watch in amazement as mighty mouse Weng takes on all-comers at a Karate school! There is also the amazing sequence where Weng parachutes into a swimming pool, only to end up with beaming smile, cradled in the arms of a big hairy male bather - ”Oh pretty boy, mm-mm. Aren’t you a pretty boy? Huh? Oh yes”. Well, what do you expect from a film produced by ‘Twinkle’.

Alright, so the plot’s nothing to write about – something about terrorists in white hoods – and dare I say it, the film does get a little repetitive towards the end, but these are just minor quibbles. The Impossible Kid is simply a joy to watch, and contains many moments of pure brilliance, none more so than the “Oh Bike Jump! BIKE FUCKING JUMP!” (Jim) moment as Weng leaps across a small stream on his yellow Tiny Motor Bike. And let’s face it, it’s simply impossible, kid, to get tired of seeing a midget kick ass in the big man’s world in international terrorism. Insane genius.

"Pull over, Pull over to the side. Pull over".

Conclusion
So there you have it, a classic night of much hilarity, all thanks to our little Weng and his spy antics in the Philippines. Seriously, we haven’t laughed this hard at Zombie Club since we spotted Al Cliver taking a stumble in the jungle in The Devil Hunter.

With so many instant classic Zombie Club moments (the jet-pac, midget face-off, stream-leaping motorbike, super gadgets), For Y’Ur Height Only and The Impossible Kid are quite literally mini masterpieces - essential viewing for fans of ‘something different’. Watch the trailer below, then hunt out as many clips as you can find on You Tube.

Weng Weng – he’s smart, he’s dangerous, he’s sexy. He’s three feet tall. Spread the word.

Next Week
Tune in next week for a double-bill of one of our favourite actors, the one and only Franco Nero. Expect lots of hitch-hiking ninjas.